I'm not sure how I'm feeling right now.
It's been a very strange day. I didn't feel very well, and for a good portion of my morning I had no appetite. I felt naseous earlier today when I went to bookstore. I felt naseous before I left. I felt naseous when I got home, and ate for the sake of getting something in my stomach. After I ate, I felt alright, so maybe I was just hungry.
I don't know.
My mood is kind of down right now. I feel very lonely in my life. Don't get me wrong, I have a wonderful family, and very close friends who I talk to daily, a loving boyfriend, but what is important are the people I'm surrounded by here... There really are none. Perhaps its just the summer that has got me feeling this way, because generally, I don't spend much time with anyone. Perhaps it's my own doing? Sometimes I feel like I'm not wanted; I feel like sometimes people make excuses to not see me. It hurts my feelings, but maybe it's just me over reacting. I'd like to think so.
I wish my boyfriend lived here. I cannot even begin to explain how wonderful it was to have someone with me all the time, loving me, supporting me, and always wanting to be around me. That same feeling is never fulfulled by friends or family; Maybe that is because when you're in love, you're much more devoted to a person. I guess that's why he wanted to be with me. Friendship and family love is much different than... normal love? I don't really know how to explain it.
I think us humans surround ourselves with people so that we don't really feel lonely all the time. In reality, though, the loneliness will always be there. It's kind of a depressing thought, and honestly I'm usually a pretty positive person. I'm not sure what it is today that has got me so down.
People contradict themselves frequently, I have noticed. I don't really want to speak of my experiences with those people, but I just thought I might mention that.
I am going to blame myself. I am probably the reason no one wants to see me, hang out, or spend time with me. My excessive laziness and disinterested in anything but what I want to do probably gets the best of me and ruins anyone else's want to see me. I don't blame them. Maybe I'm selfish.
I'm sorry.
On a completely different note, I am going to start a fast. I've read and researched many benefits of doing such and have decided that it might be best with how horrible I am feeling as of late. I just feel sick, all the time. Fasting has proven to cure many diseases, so if it's something minor that's bothering me I'm sure it will go away. Don't worry, I've talked to my mom about it and I'm under complete supervision incase something goes wrong. So for now my posting of foods I eat will be paused -- I won't be eating -- but I'm not sure for how long. I just know, detoxing the body for a while will make me feel better.
Day one begins now.
3 comments:
i can't help but feel that much of this was directed towards me. i'm really sorry you feel like that cuz you really shouldn't! i've been very busy lately cross country has me literally running around all over the place all the time it's been rly crazy. i miss you lots and i really hope you don't go back home. i don't know what you mean about contradictions though and i'd like to.
p.s.
how in the world are you going to not eat at all!? ahhh!
It's not as hard as it sounds. The hunger goes away, and fasting is actually good for you. Lately, I haven't had an appetite because I'm sick anyway.
I completely understand how you feel about loneliness. Friends and family are never enough to cure loneliness it seems. At least you have a bf to talk to, me on the other hand have nobody. I look around and see couples and think about how happy they are. It kinda sucks when my close circle of friends all have a "boo" to go to whenever they need things. While they have a last resort mine is equivalent to sitting in the house watching tv, bored, with my brother. What a life!.. I do love my friends and fam dearly but there are things that they can't do for your heart. There this certain way you feel when you are with someone you are in love with like the feel of being wanted. I wish I had that...But on the other hand you are a trooper cause I def. couldn't fast. I love food too much lol. Wow I just wrote a novel for a comment lmao
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