Fml.

I'm slightly annoyed with the world.
Food. People. Rules. School. Just about everything.

You name it, I'm annoyed.

I haven't blogged in a long time, and I guess it's because I haven't really been giving a shit about my weight. I have a boyfriend, and it's great and all, but I lose my focus when they come around. I'm tired of feeling shitty. I'm tired of a lot of shit actually. It's really sad when I tell myself it's easier to just not eat. And it really is. But people bitch, people complain to me, "You're gonna get sick. You're too skinny. You need to eat." I don't give a fuck.

I don't care what people think. I do what I want. If I was worried about being sick, then I'd eat like I should. If I don't want to eat, I won't eat. If I want to bitch, I'll bitch. If I want something, I get it. So fuck off.

God damn.

I'm thinking of starting a new blog.

ZzZzzZzzz

There is nothing more pleasurable than dreaming of delicious food.
That's all I have to say.
:]

Miserable.

I'm so pissed off right now.
I hate boys.
I need a banana. I need some B vitamins. -_-
Anti-depressant fruit ftw.

Slim in 6.

I noticed that a lot of people like to take a product, use it, and then do some sort of review on it to show those who want to buy it if it's any good.

A while ago, my mom bought this dvd aerobics video called Slim-In-6 weeks. I've used it before - No! It didn't just collect dust like most traditional aerobics do! - but only for about a week and a half. Regardless, I got amazing results anyway. I lost at least an inch everywhere on my body, in just a week! Why did I stop? I'm 16 years old, I got bored. :P

My goal is to use it for the full six weeks this time, and see what sort of results I get. At the same time, I'll write a review for those of you online who might be interested in it. I bought it on tv, but I'm pretty sure if you're interested, you can pay and get it online here. I'd recommend waiting until after my review to consider it.

I'm not starting today, I'm starting tomorrow. Monday's are always good starting days. Aside from that, my mom promised she'd do the routine with me, as a way of keeping each other going. And of course, it's always "We'll start tomorrow." with my mom. Hahah. But hopefully I'll get her into it and she'll stick to it. I'm debating on doing a before and after picture, because all the cool kids do it. We'll see. Even if I do, I won't post the before and after until I'm done.

So my overall goals are this (we all know I MUST blog them or they won't get finished, or rather there's a better chance they'll get finished :P):

1. Tone up my abs.
2. Tone up my back.
3. Tone up my arms.
4. Tone up my thighs.

They aren't fat... Just squishy. :P So here's to another goal, and hopefully one that I will finish. I'll post results every week, and then a total after the six weeks.

Boy is it going to be a long month and a half.

I win.

I have made a decision.

After my recent post, I have decided I need to do something with myself. The way I live is not healthy. I mean, I eat plenty and I'm at a healthy weight, but in my heart I don't think I'm being very healthy. And that was the whole point of this, right? To be healthy. And that's what I want to do when I grow up, I want to help people be healthy. Well I can't help people if I don't help myself. It's time to start over, to end this frustrating cycle and to get control over what I eat. I'm writing in hopes that this time, the blog might make an impact in my life. It might help motivate me. I'm done with punishing myself for eating a cookie. I'm done restricting calories. I don't need a diet, I just need to be healthy. And that's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to indulge endlessly on veggies and fruit, just like I normally would. I'm going to ignore that last bit of food on my plate if I know that I'm really not hungry, or the homemade bread my step dad brings home from his grandmother's as a late night snack. I'm going to make wise decisions, not punishing decisions. It's just food. We eat to live, and I'm done living to eat.

Honestly, that's my biggest problem. I don't stop eating when I'm not hungry anymore. And shit, I'm getting into the whole... blog like post and I didn't want to be. xD What I really wanted to do was post my goals. Goals that will take more than a few weeks, and will be a lot harder than motivating myself to get up and do some aerobics.

1. I will eat, live, and be as healthy as I can possibly be.
2. I am going to exercise daily, something that I am going to get back in the habit of doing. Besides, the doctor said my cholesterol was out of whack.
3. I am not trying to change the number on the scale, I am trying to change the number on the measuring tape. That means I will weigh more, with more muscle, and be smaller.
4. I am going to stop obsessing so much over how MUCH I eat. I can eat as much as I feel necessary, until I'm full.
5. While I am allowed to eat as much as I would like, that does not mean on cookies, cake, processed foods or sugars. I will stay away from them as much as physically and mentally possible.
6. I will remain a vegetarian for the rest of my life.
7. I am not going to read another label again, because the food I eat does not have any ingredient in it except what it is.
8. I will not punish myself for treating myself to something nice.
9. I will stop calling myself fat. I am not fat. I am normal. I am perfectly fine the way I am.
10. I will be happy with whatever I reach in life.

And while many of my readers are friends in my life, I encourage you to slap me when I am not enforcing these new 'laws' for myself. It's been a very long road for me, guys, and your support is everything I could ever want. Thank you guys. You've been there for me, all this time, no matter who I was or what I looked like or even how ridiculous I've acted. And while I know he doesn't read, or ever will, thank you Blake. You started all of this. I started for you, but I'm ending the journey for myself.

I made it, guys.

Food Is An Addiction.

Whenever I hear the phrase "eating disorder" I think anorexia or bulimia or someone who is extremely overweight.

But what I've started to consider lately, is this: Could it be possible that there is something in between? A person who suffers from both, indulging and punishment from food. Someone who maintains a normal healthy weight, but it's due to a long chain of indulging and then punishing. Indulge. Punish. You get the point.

I wonder, because sometimes I think I might have a disorder. I think about food all the time, I love to eat. Is that normal though? Lots of people love food, and they aren't over weight. Is that normal?

Then there are times where I don't eat. Sometimes I'm not hungry. Sometimes I just think I don't need it. Sometimes there's nothing healthy enough that I'd consider putting in my mouth. Is that normal? Should normal people eat that way?

I'm just very confused. I've lived my whole life picking and choosing, eating and not eating, planning and spontaneity when it comes to food. I think I might have an eating disorder. But I am not fat. And I am not underweight. So would it honestly be considered a disorder?

Sorry if it's random, but it was just a sudden thought. I wonder if one day I'll figure it out. Any input?

Fail.

So I lied. Blogging does not get anything done.

And since I have limited time to write, considering school is calling, I just wanted to let everyone know I'm a failure.

Hooray.

But you all still love me, and for a while, I did stick to my plan. But then I couldn't avoid things like going out to eat, I was forced. So I ate. Because you wouldn't just sit there and watch someone eat, would you? NO.

Kay, so I'm off to school. But the good news is, I'm going back on track for the rest of the weekend. So, buh bye for nao!